itsgood2beback's Blog

I wish life wasn't so complicated,I wish things were simpler.That the good memories would last longer than the bad ones,that you would just like the people you were meant to like,not fall for people that weren't right for you or couldn't have.That people saw the best in you,like you did with them.That things were different,happy,good ,fun and no sadness,pain or hearthbreak and that you could easily move from any of that if it did happen..but sadly is not like that..

Not sure whats gonna happen why I'm even writing this for random people to see sharing shit,why I'm even still in this website.It's almost the new year another whole year.12 more months?? of uncertainty?? I duno nothing much has changed looking back starting this year other than a few things here and their mostly for the worst most.Health's going to  hell,loosing a friend,losing my dog and a bunch of other bad shit,so much uncertainty does it ever end? wheres the end of the line the finish line? another 12 months after that than what? what else is gonna be different? maybe not much,maybe a lot will.With my luck most likely for the worst I know everyone has shit in their life some better of than me some maybe even a lot worst but still my life sucks it's not good I'm not happy wasting it away not living it.Getting eaten up,like a complete waste of years the last couple of years.Nothing ever fucking changes except for the worst I dont even wanna have hope don't wanna be disappointing when I get more of the same shit.If theirs a glimmer of hope though left somewhere in all this vasteness of emptyness and darkness I hope I get it and soon.
Happy new year "me."

Feel like I'm under a self induced spell...maybe I put it their for a reason,self defense mechanism and that's why I don't want to wake up from it..maybe I like being under it asleep..just sleeping instead of facing this reality..how can I wake up from it when part of me doesn't want to?..I keep trying to find things to momentarily break it..but these things never break it fully,if anything they just take me to a different sleep,dream just another illusion or should I say delusion? Just keep getting more and more lost in them maybe part of me wants that though to get lost in them so again I don't have to face this big scary reality..just be oblivious and drugged to it. 

Hoping things get better,lets hope the future is a lot more pleasant than the last couple of years.I do want things to get better hope they do,soon too.Couple of things I want,don't think it's too much to want a normal life like everyone else my age *sighs* sometimes though I feel like I'll never get to have those things,like times just gonna keep getting eaten and I'll wake up one day and find my self in the same spot I am today.Alone,without friends without a fam. of my own,miserable and unhappy and not have done anything with my life and just see how everyone around me has this wonderful life.That's one of my biggest fears that I'll never realize any of my dreams and that it's too late to really change anything and that I'm gonna be stuck like this forever,just one big screwed up mess,just another lesson for someone to learn from of what not to ever be.